Well, it has been almost two years since my marriage of over 28 years ended with my now "ex" wife taking off on me for her "greener pastures" as I have been told. I think the words used to my mother in a phone call placed to her several months ago was that my ex was "moving on".
While the "divorce" came a year after my ex wife's abrupt sudden departure, the marriage in fact ended some time ago. Not just in the last few years but nearly twenty years ago. As hard as I tried over those twenty years...I could not save it. This, I guess, is human life. But I did try .
Even so, out of all the times in the past 29 years I could have run off on my family, I didn't. I stayed the course. I believed in my family. It may have been dysfunctional but it was my family. I worked hard, made a lot of money, supported my family and did what a father and dad was supposed to do. I may not have been a perfect father but I tried. I did the best I could.
In fact when it got truly bad and I couldnt take it anymore, I personally filed for a divorce in 2001 up in Pennsylvania but I decided to rescind the divorce at the last moment and reconcile with my former wife because I believed that people can redeem themselves and that a better day would lay ahead and that marriages could be saved if both people worked at it. We did go for counseling and I had hope. I don't regret trying. I really don't. I made mistakes in my marriage and I tried to take half the blame.
In all reality, hindsight being 20/20 I would have been better off to have finished divorcing her 11 years ago and begun my life anew back then. It would have been less painful for all involved especially my children. But, one can only learn from past mistakes.
I will be a much better husband to my next wife because of what I learned in this past marriage that failed. Yes, I would like to get married again. I used to swear I would never marry again. I didn't think I would...but I found that with the right woman, when the woman truly loves her man in word and deed, a man can be happy.
I have found that a woman can indeed be found that could be monogamous and that a man can truly rejoice when the woman is faithful to him and him alone. A woman can be found who really loves her man and she can inspire and change him for the better. This makes a man very happy and makes him want to also be faithful to her. A woman could be found that does not need to impress others with vain conceptions of reality and public "stature" ie: who has the biggest house or who lives in a gated community. These things do not bring happiness, only vanity.
I have learned a lot about myself in these past two years and I learned a lot about those who claimed they loved me and for whom I lived each day of my life for almost 3 decades. Yet, I still love them to this day. How can I not? It really hurt knowing that nothing that I did for anyone during that time really amounted to anything because in the end I was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver as Jesus was so betrayed by Judas. Jesus was given over by those who claimed to love him. So was I . But Jesus did indeed protect me.
I came to learn in the past two years that family really is not flesh and blood only but family is of those who truly love and care about you from the heart without selfish motives. I have learned that if you have a mature woman behind you who truly loves you with her heart, you can do great things and become a better person. I have learned you can forgive and move on in life. If the Pope could forgive the man who tried to kill him, I could forgive those who tried to destroy my life and my soul.
In the past two years I have lost in excess of 110 pounds of weight from my body and have begun a regimen of track running of 2 - 3 miles per day and weight lifting with the help of a dear friend who competes in body building tournaments on a national level. In addition to the physical weight I have lost, I also lost the baggage of resentment and sorrow which have been a part of my life since 1993 when my former marriage first took a "hit" and my dreams of a happy life were forever shattered by forces beyond my control.
Only a select few of my closest friends and relatives knew of my suffering as I tried to protect those who were young and innocent. I never cried so much as I did back then..in silence and by myself....and no one except those few friends knew of my sorrow because I tried to live a lie and pretend I was happy for the sake of "family".....I was very unhappy...but for the sake of others, I did try. I even finally gave in and had a third child in an attempt to restore happiness to my marriage. I was happy with the two children I had...a boy and a girl....My friends advised me against another baby , saying that having another child was a "not so good idea" because they knew what my marriage was like and of my suffering.
But my third child did come and I love him more then I love my life itself. It was not his fault that my marriage was torn apart before he was conceived. Even this point was twisted and thrown in my face.
In the end...I should have left my marriage back in 1993. It would have been better to have broken up my family then and remarried another woman then live a lie of pretending to be happy after what had been done to me.
I am thankful for my renewed faith in my God, for my Catholic religion and for my extended (non blood) family who love me without condition. I am thankful for every last personal friend and relative who has stood by me and helped me in my darkest of days immediately after my family broke up and after I was kicked to the curb and discarded like an old rag by those who claimed to love me.
What really hurts is how my 83 year old mother was betrayed as well, and how they lied about her and about me under oath to further the gains of another and how to this day they cause her great emotional pain even as her days come to a close.
I am thankful to those people who have in the past year come into my life who volunteer their time to help me care for my mom especially the home health aides, her Dr. and Oncologist and the aides who volunteer to help me. I am all alone here and without the help of these kind people who are no blood relation to me, I would not be able to care for my moms needs physical or emotional. My older sister cannot help me as she lives 1200 miles away and is physically in-firmed. My dad is dead over 22 years.
I am thankful to those who have entered my life and have uplifted me at every turn. I am thankful to those who did not believe the blatant lies told about me and who have been with me daily shoulder to shoulder. I love you.
I am thankful to them for having helped me to forgive those who betrayed me and who indeed tried to destroy me and yes, destroy my mom.
God has showed me that good people do exist.
I hope to lose a few more pounds in physical weight and I pray that God helps me shed any further resentment I may at at times once again feel towards those who hurt me and my mom.
With Gods help and the help of my true "family", I know I can fully achieve my goal of completely "re-finding" me.
Love to all,
-Tim, Sr.
